Wish Me Luck, Unless You're Uncomfortable Helping Me Pee . . .
By the time you read this (if anyone does) I'll be peeing and bleeding for half-million-dollar stakes. Sounds kind of exciting, doesn't it? And also gross? Well, it's not very exciting by normal standards; I'm just taking a physical so I can buy term life insurance, because I am a wild thing. Exciting for me, though, 'cause a year ago I was too fat to buy term life insurance. That might seem like I'm exaggerating, but I applied through a broker and was told that because of my high BMI measurement, no company they contacted was interested in offering me life insurance. I knew I was in a bad way, of course (my BMI would have been 47.5 at that time, if that means anything to you.) But I had hoped that being alcohol-free, tobacco-free, with no personal history of diabetes, heart trouble, or other disease would count in my favor. It probably did, but it didn't erase the marker with "180 pounds over healthy BMI range" written on it. Recently, though, I met with some financial advisors to get my retirement accounts squared away.* I mentioned that I'd like to start looking for term life insurance, too, and they were eager to sell me some. Both were shocked to hear that I'd been turned away over weight, but then, neither has seen the photos from before I made my magical transformation from Morbidly Obese to Merely Obese (I've lost over 100 pounds, but my BMI is still about 35. I have to bring that down to 29.5, losing another 55 pounds or so, before I can claim the coveted title of "Overweight." They've basically made their offer; I think at this point I'm down to checking for undetected dry rot and termite damage before they place their bet on my survival. Anyway, long story short, when I realized that I'd allowed myself to get so fat that nobody was willing to make a bet that I wouldn't die in the next twenty years, it was one of those sobering moments you hear people whine about. I didn't like it. This is boring, white-bread, First-World stuff, but it's a whole lot better feeling. If you can't leave a pretty corpse, leave a rich widow, I always say. *No, I don't trust the Illinois Teacher Retirement System. Didja know they have two of those? Yeah, the Chicago teachers have their own separate system. Whatever your feelings about public pensions, the hard fact is that Illinois government does not pay its share and hasn't for years, so while we continue to pay into the pension fund, each new generation of teachers has less and less reason to expect to be paid a pension from it. I intend to plan retirement such that I can do it from my own investments; if we get pensions, it'll be like somebody's rich aunt died and we'll perform the indicated response. What do you think a boat will cost in 2053?