Saturday, August 8, 2009

A Legally Binding Oral Contract

Overheard in the living room:
"Hey, you wanna move to Virginia? There are lots of special ed jobs in Richmond."
"No, really--"
"Oh, honey, we can't move. We couldn't sell this house."
"Why did you taunt me with the south if you didn't mean it, temptress?"
"When the boys are grown, we'll move."
"I promise, when the boys are grown, we'll move."
"To the south?"
"Yes, we'll move to the south."
"And drink RC cola and eat moon pies on the porch?"
"And sell all our shoes and buy banjos?"
"Actually, I was just going to say you might need a fiddle in some states."

If you're from the south, please don't puncture my dreams. I've listened to a lot of country music and Jeff Foxworthy routines in my life, so I have a pretty good idea what the south is like.


Jeff Pulice said...

1. Teacher pay sucks, for the most part, in the South and in Utah.
2. some of the nicest people in the world. People who'll give you their umbrella when it's raining.
3. Y'know how you're shirt feels after you've split a half-cord of wood on a summer afternoon and your shirt has a big sweat ring around your neck? The South feels like that 70% of the time.

Anonymous said...

About 20 years ago, when I lived in Memphis, we'd take the Mustang out for a drive. When we'd find a small town to fill up the tank I would always buy an RC Cola and a Moonpie. It's all about the ambiance, and the fact that they are delicious.


Ambulance Driver said...

Come down to Cajun country, and you can swap the banjo for a fiddle and accordion, and the moon pies for crawfish pie.

Shane said...

Our son went to visit relatives in Boone, North Carolina. Shortly after arrival, he was sitting on the front porch with his cousin and they could hear a banjo being played in the distance. He was also wearing a tee shirt he'd gotten on a canoe trip into Canada the year before. It read: "Paddle faster, I hear Banjo Music".

lee n. field said...

Dude, compared to the end of the Illinois People's State I inhabit, you are in the South.

chris said...

come on down to NC, not only does the sugar come with a hint of tea... NFA weapons are damn easy to own...

Ill fire up the BBQ for ya...

The Lily said...

Yeah. Richmond is the south and that is EXACTLY what the south is like. To a tee. Mh-hm. Sho'nuf.

However, Northern Virginia is not, let no one convince you otherwise.

Anonymous said...

Don't sell all your shoes. Cow shit tends to squish up between your toes. And the goats will step on your feet. (Yes, I have goats, sheep, pigs, & chickens in the yard; they're the landlord's, & he ain't real good at fences.)
There's also 90+ temps & 90+ humidity, but you get used to it. Best thing is, there's no such thing as "putting the motorcycle away for the winter." I can ride to work in February.

The Freeholder said...

"I've listened to a lot of country music and Jeff Foxworthy routines in my life, so I have a pretty good idea what the south is like."

I assume you're joking, right? Please tell me you are, because as much as I enjoy Foxworthy, that ain't the South.

Of course, there are a couple of nice houses for sale in my area, and I'll even sponsor you in my range. We don't look down of refugees too much. :-)

Anonymous said...

I would study "King of the Hill" and Bugs Bunny cartoons about the South. These documentaries gave me useful insight into Texas, but it can be applied throughout the South.

Shootin' Buddy

Don said...

Oh, come on--he's got the accent and everything!

Keep in mind, banjos, I speak the language. I already know the forbidden words yankees must not speak:

"That's not how we do it where I come from."

Anonymous said...

"Bobby, I wouldn't sell propane to that man. I think he's from up North somewhere, like Oklahoma."

Hank Hill, citizen of the Republic of Texas

"Keep in mind, banjos, I speak the language. I already know the forbidden words yankees must not speak:"

. . . where is the dental floss and toothpaste in this store?

You can leave them in a state of confusion for hours on that one. Other questions you cannot ask:

"Excuse where are the shoes, toothbrushes, dental floos, soap, laundry detergent, razors, and books?"

"Where can I buy a General Sherman commeriative plate?"

"Have you actually read the Confederate Constitution?"

"Where can my Black friend and I get dinner?"

"Where can I meet a girl who wear shoes and has an education beyond junior high school?"

Don't worry, Don, it's the New South. People only threatened to drag me behind pickup trucks down there; they didn't actually do it. As well, I actually saw someone reading in public and he was not prosecuted for the crime of Witchcraft in San Antonio!

Just don't have your "Get over it, Jasper, you lost. Take your Confederate flag down!" bumper sticker on your car. The Banjos still don't like to be reminded that they are losers. :-)

Shootin' Buddy

Caleb said...

You could just move to Indiana - we call it "the South of the North".

Tam said...

The one thing that really caught me off guard about moving up north was the absolutely shocking bigotry from people whose education and upbringing really gives them no excuse for being so ill-mannered.

Let's replace "banjos" in this thread with, oh, I don't know... "yids", maybe? Would it still be as funny? Of course not. But one can say the most outrageous things about the part of the country south of the Ohio and still feel all happy and PC inside.

Don said...

Yeah, that's fair enough. I didn't write about "banjos" intending to upset anybody, but I knew it might happen, and I still hit "Publish."

I have Jewish friends who wouldn't bat an eye at a "yid" joke from someone they trust . . . but they're more exceptions than they are rules.

Maybe part of the problem is that some of us are being serious, some are being half-serious, and some are just goofing around.

I like the south, Tam, honest. I try to keep my poking at southerners as light as your gentle ribbing of yankees over at your place. ;)

Tam said...

The only ribbing of Yankees I've ever done has addressed two stereotypes:

1) They live someplace cold.
2) Their cooking is different.

I would submit that this is not just quantitatively different some of the comments here, but qualitatively different as well. :(