First, Stroger and Daley, two incompetent machine cogs who ought to have a special bond since they would both be digging ditches somewhere if they hadn't been born the sons of the Cook County Board President and the Boss of Chicago, respectively, each had to comment on marijuana decriminalization. It shouldn't surprise anyone who's been reading for awhile, but my position is that anything you can do with gin in this country, you should be able to do with marijuana. I know I'm hopelessly naive and silly, but I figure they're both mood-altering drugs that have proven impossible to prohibit and are clearly used safely for recreational purposes by a whole lot of American citizens. I'm sure there are nuances I don't understand, most of them involving money and clout, but whatever.
None of that matters now anyway, you poor fools, because we are all gonna die. Dead-eyed hippies are going to beat us to death with hash pipes. Manic teenagers are going to play the piano way too fast, and mark my words, there will be cramps and other dance-related injuries. I speak to you, of course, of the next scourge of our cities: SUPER POT.
Yes, friends, SUPER POT (aka "Kush") is like pot, only, like, really really strong and stuff. It gets you really, really high instead of a little bit high like what I'm tentatively going to name "Good Ol' Pot" or what Representative Mark Kirk calls "your father's pot." Then it's Reefer madness time! Chaos! Anarchy! Liberties taken and liberties permitted between young gentlemen and ladies! Lions lying down with lambs lying down with toucans and every last one of them listening to mix tapes of Willie Nelson and Phish!
But don't worry; Mark Kirk's got the solution: longer jail sentences for selling pot. Unless it's, as he puts it, "your father's pot." That stuff's OK, especially when you've had a long day on the floor of the House of Representatives and people are being mean about your Senate campaign. . . . but when you start smoking this Oldsmobile pot, this "Super Kush Pot" or whatever the kids call it these days, well, that's beyond the pale. Kirk says it sells for the same price as cocaine, so it should carry the same jail sentence, which is probably the dumbest reason for doing anything that I've heard all day.